Introduction
Hi, I’m Shelley
Let’s start with what is most important … I am married to Paul, with four gorgeous children, Alex, Andre, Brooke and Carley, aged 16 to 31 years. My family is my constant reminder of what matters most to me.
Professionally, I have spent much of the last 25 years working in training, education, and coaching roles, with a common theme of supporting others when life becomes messy and hard, and a particular focus on supporting people affected by suicide.
In 2023, I completed a PhD in Health, in which I sought to understand the care and support experiences of children following the suicide of someone close to them. A key finding of my research was that care and support is experienced, in the context of mattering. Behaviours intended to be caring and supportive, are only experienced as care and support, when those behaviours reinforce a sense of mattering.
That research gave me an understanding of the critical role of mattering – the need to feel seen, heard and valued and to add value – in care. My approach, mattering-reinforcing care, was born. This has led me to being regarded a global authority in the field of children’s postvention (care and support after a suicide) and grief support. Although my research focussed on the experiences of children, the findings are being used to inform the development of support programmes and care and support initiatives, for adults and children, globally and across contexts.
These days, much of my time is spent partnering with organisations, equipping leaders and teams, and supporting individuals, with the skills and knowledge to confidently support others.
When I’m not speaking, delivering workshops or coaching, I am usually busy putting my mattering-reinforcing care approach into action through Tony’s Place. In 2024, I founded Tony’s Place, a charitable trust dedicated to supporting adults, teenagers and children affected by suicide. To find out more, check out www.tonysplace.org.nz and www.supportaftersuicide.co.nz
Recently, I have also been having a play as a content creator. I make videos, lots of them. You’ll find me across the main social platforms (@drshelleybm) doing my small bit to try and counter the growing mental health and loneliness epidemics.
People often ask me why I choose to work in this area.
I was 12 years of age when my father, Anthony (Tony) Heard, ended his own life. By all accounts my father was a successful, well-liked and hugely-respected man. He was the Assistant General Manager of a major bank and was heavily involved in the local Rotary community. More importantly, he was a much-loved husband of 17 years and father of two girls.
No one had any idea that there was anything wrong.
Given my father’s death, I grew up with a real curiosity, a need to understand this thing called ‘suicide’. Why? Why do some people take their own lives? And, why do those left behind do as they do, in response? Even within my own small family we all reacted and responded to my father’s death so very differently – and are in very different places in relation to our grief now, 40 years on.
What is it about coping with the death of a loved one - or life’s other hard and messy situations - that allows some people to be able to find ways of carrying on and still live happy and fulfilling lives, while others seemingly stay ‘stuck’?
These are just some of the questions I spent many of my teenage years contemplating, and my adult years finding answers to.
My Dad is the reason I do, what I do, and why it matters to me that children and adults, and those caring for them, receive the care and support they need, and deserve.
My ‘why’
My mission
The research is clear that when life gets hard and messy - as it does at times - the right support can make a real difference. I believe that we can all play a role in supporting others, and I am on a mission to equip people with the skills and knowledge to do so, with confidence.